by Prince Variant 07.04.08

My blog is down; that is the only reason I am posting here. This site can suck it for all I care. I am still salty over how my appearance was handled in the John's Arm movie. I do not feel that I was fairly represented in the final cut, and I made my feelings as such very clear on my blog, which is now down. Those of you who follow my blog know that I feel that this kind of thing is a conflict of interest, but I don't have a choice. My blog is down.

Customers who come into my store on July 4th (I always stay open on the 4th, despite the armed robberies and occasional accusation of treason by old farts that frequent the grimy tavern next door-- CONNECTION??) know that I celebrate by putting on movies featuring the greatest American hero ever to unload a Gatling gun into a roomful of snarling commies: Kap'n Kill-Krazy. I had THOUGHT, due to my immense expertise on the Kraziverse (thoroughly documented on my OTHER blog, "Kill-Krazy Khronicles", which ALSO went down), I had been chosen as a consultant on the John's Arm movie, which featured the good Kap'n himself. I was wrong. And I couldn't care less that I signed a non-disclosure agreement or whatever form; as far as I'm concerned my contract was nullified when they recut my scene to make me look ridiculous. So we're even, unless you're the ones who made my blog go down. Then it is on.

FYI: I have VHS copies of every single Kap'n Kill-Krazy movie. Even the ones he sued to have destroyed. I have the pilot episode of "Kill-Krazy M.D.", which never aired. I have the "Groove Cops" episode where Kap'n guest starred, opposite Claude Manhammer as Lt. Badge. When I was in elementary school, I obsessively taped every show of the universally loathed cartoon series "Kid Kill-Krazy and his Krazy Krew", even the parts with the rapping. Speaking of which; of course I own an original LP of Rap'n Kap'n. I even have the Japanese version, on blood red vinyl, with the die-cut bulletholes in the cardboard sleeve. Still in the shrinkwrap, so it'll actually be playable if I was ever dumb enough to open it. (Taking the plastic off invites customers to poke the bulletholes and scratch the record with their fingernails. In fact they do that either way. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL JERKS.)

I'm hoping that Kap's kameo in John's Arm will not only drive up auction prices, allowing me to acquire the necessary new TV I need by next year, but that it will also raise more interest for future Kap'n Kill-Krazy movies. I think the last canonical "installment" we got was XXIII, which was no prize pig. I mean, for crying out loud, "TOAD" stands for "Terrorists Opposing American Domination", not "Democracy". You'd think the sceenwriters could have at least gotten THAT right. Warmed-over hair metal songs I can take; inconsistency is another matter. Don't these writers get PAID to do research? Don't they SPEAK ENGLISH?!?

Anyway, in honor of the 4th, and in the spirit of Ultimate Patriotism, I scanned a handful of file cards from the backs of vintage Kap'n Kill-Krazy action figure packages. What really blows is that I got the whole idea for this post, which I originally planned to do on MY OWN BLOG, from SECURE agent "Roman Candle", whose toy is now nowhere to be found, even though I swear I put him in one of the locked showcases at the back of the store. I think this smelly old creep who loiters in the Adult section might have swiped him. I have no evidence to back it up, but I swear he looks like the type of guy who would do it. And Roman Candle, NRFB, is worth upwards of $75. More if you try selling it at KapKon, but I have no desire to deal with that ripoff of a convention ever again. (Klub exclusive figure of Kid's dumbass dog? WTF is that?)

I have appended comments wherever I felt my genius was required. Bon appetit. Don't talk smack about my scans. They're better than the ones at the quote-unquote "Best Kap'n Kill-Krazy Page In The World". (No way I'm linking to those chumps. They know who they are.)

Ah, Hamstrung. He more or less appeared in the cartoon, but was never formally addressed by code name. You could build a small army of Hamstrungs in 1983, because he was the last figure kids wanted to get, and you could find twenty of him hanging from pegs in any K-Mart.

Strik-9s were pretty neat because they had the purple bodysuits. Sure, they were just the regular Tadpoles painted purple with a gas mask, but something about them was just cooler. I mean let's face it, there wasn't a great deal of variation in these toys. You took what you could get in those days. And Strik-9 figures did smell pretty bad; I think it was something to do with the black rubber tubes sticking out of their spines. A couple of times it almost made me pass out cold when I opened the blister card. I don't think they make toys out of that stuff anymore.

Rearview sucks. I can't believe the clowns at KapKon are basing their exclusive 12" figure for 2009 on him. He sucks. Team KapKon sucks. Hell, I'm glad they permabanned me from their crummy forums. I was tired of them crapping on my contributions anyway, and their rules about sigs are absolutely retarded. Hope they all have fun next year at their jerkwad convention in scenic Dicktown New Jersey, playing with their wonderful little Queerview dollies.

I still have three original General Izods MOC. They were recalled in 1986, but I hoarded a few once I'd heard, even though I was kind of on the outs with collecting at that point (long story; involves the so-called human referred to as "Psycho Succubus" on my old Usenet posts). Kids couldn't resist sucking on the General's shiny chrome head, which the toymakers had coated with some unholy brew of mercury, lead and colloidal silver to create its unique metallic sheen. This caused the permanent teeth of a handful of kids to grow backwards into their jaws, or something. I don't know how widespread it really was, but they recalled the figures anyway, which I think was an overreaction. I mean, kids will suck anything. Oh great, I've just given the clowns at the KapKon forums even more ammo for their sigs.

Terrific. That's just what I need.

Notice anything odd about this Heartbreaker file card from 1985? That's right, it's the legendary "Heart-N-word" card. This is what happens when your art department works out of a moldy bunker in Eastern Europe. It always felt like poor Heartbreaker got the lion's share of production gaffes; many of his figures came mistakenly packaged with Didi T's poison make-up Kaboodle, which, along with his new muscle beach tan, didn't do much to emphasize his status as a master pick-up artist. 1991's Xtreme Jett Pakk Heartbreaker only made things worse, looking to all the world like a pulsating pnuematic dildo. With rocket booster sounds.

Also, what? His main specialty is being second-in-command? Nice copy editing there.

I have a modicum of bitterness regarding TOAD Commander. Don't get me wrong, I like him and all, but I can't help but think that he was sullied by that contest. You know the one I mean, every Kill-Krazy package had a huge honking ad for it, for years. If you collected enough Star Points and Stripe Points, you could send them in, along with $9.99 shipping and handling, for an exclusive Slithero figure WITH throne. Not like that bendy crap they released in 1989 where you can't even stand him up because of his ridiculous "Slither" gimmick.

Good guys came with Star Points, bad guys got the Stripes. TOAD Commander came with an unheard-of 50 Stripe Points, instead of the typical 2, so right off the bat you had enough Stripes to fill the game board spaces, and you were halfway to getting a Slithero in the mail that could be displayed worth a damn. That's if you could ever find a TOAD Commander on the toy shelves. If not, you were doomed to paltry 2 Stripe increments, which also meant that you had to buy doubles or triples of, say, Strik-9. Some say it was all cheap scheme to make kids buy the same toys repeatedly, but for me it was my first foray into army-building. I dreamt that when my worth-a-shit Slithero finally arrived in six to eight weeks, I would have amassed a Strik-9 platoon worthy of his evil greatness.

By the time I finally found a TOAD Commander figure, the contest had been over for five years. By that point I had only managed to collect 38 Stripe Points (but 50 Star Points was no problem; every hero figure came with 15). I came to resent TOAD Commander for the 19 identical Strik-9 figures I had purchased for $8.99 apiece. I resented him even more when my mother discarded every last one while I was away camping, because their concentrated smell made her think they were "rotten". THEY'RE COLLECTABLE ACTION FIGURES, MOM, HOW CAN THEY GO ROTTEN? SHOULD I NOT HAVE BEEN CONSULTED, BEFORE YOU THREW THEM INTO THE GARBAGE?

Ah forget it. I am in no mood to continue this any further. I'm still peeved over that scene in the movie. Now I'm ruminating over wrongfully discarded action figures that are currently worth enough to put me back through school. Until my blog is fixed you can email me from here. I was getting comments that were supposedly from the Kill-Krazy people before it all went tits-up. If those people are for real and they read this, I would like to invite them to contact me here regarding whatever it was about. Unless you're planning some shadiness like the John's Arm people. People like them give fandom a bad name.

By Riker's Beard,
-Prince V